Do men really want wives like June Cleaver?

In the ‘50s, the ideal wife stayed home, cleaned, cooked, and cared for the kids. Dr. Gail Saltz, a ‘Today’ contributor, says that may be a male fantasy

NBC VIDEO

• Do men want to marry June Cleaver?
Sept. 28: "Today" co-host Meredith Vieira talks with Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist, and Dr. Drew Pinsky of the radio show, Loveline, about what men really want in a wife.

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TODAY

Updated: 11:45 a.m. ET Sept 28, 2006

On “The Doctor Is In,” we look at what men want in a wife. Remember the couple from the ‘50s, when the husband came home from a tough day of work to find a clean house, a home-cooked meal and a doting wife? Well, is that what men still want? An article called “The Good Wife’s Guide,” which has been circulating around recently, sparked this debate. Thought to be from a 1955 publication called Housekeeping Monthly, it offered tips: “Let him talk first”; “remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours”; “catering for his comfort will provide you immense personal satisfaction,” and “don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.” It turned out that the article was a fake, but it raised some real issues. Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and a ‘Today’ contributor, was invited on the show to help answer that question. Here’s her take on the June Cleaver wife:

With a divorce rate currently of 45 percent many men and women are wondering “How do I choose a partner that will go the distance?” Do men really want subservient “slave-women” who subverts all her personal needs in order to please his? Yes … and no.

Both men and women have fantasies of being taken care of, being nurtured, being babied and being number one. Historically, masculine and feminine roles contributed to the specifics of these fantasies: men imagined the perfect mate as a passive, docile catering nurturer and women envisioned a giving, sacrificing protector. But these are fantasies! And while it may be fun to imagine — or even play out — these roles at times, they are but one of many fantasies men and women may have about their ideal partners. If rigid roles are not a good predicator of relationships’ longevity, what is?

Marriages based on shared morals, values, life goals, and abilities to communicate well contribute to stable relationships. That’s because marriages require work, commitment and self-sacrifice from both partners. Marriage based first and foremost on passion, children, or extremely time-demanding careers, tend to break up.

The institution of marriage began as, and still works as, a vehicle to protect both partners financially, ensure their progeny’s health and well being, and provide companionship and intimacy. Once a couple understands marriage is a choice that requires effort through its ups and downs, then they have a shot at maintaining a healthy relationship. (Research shows that married people are healthier and have better psychological health than singles. In addition, children of married couples are healthier and have better psychological health.)

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Marriage is a partnership that requires both partners provide and receive gratification. Most men would say that being pampered occasionally is delightful, but that they don’t want to be only needed, but also needed. And most men would say that having all the pressure to be the sole provider and protector causes immense anxiety. They want — and need — a partner who will help shoulder some of the burden emotionally or even financially. And most women would find the 50’s housewife requirements utterly absurd and miserable. If one partner is utterly unhappy, the end of the marriage is inevitable.

The Housekeeping Monthly article represents an underlying issue in many marriages: Who has control? That’s why there are jokes about women who “wear the real pants” in the family and manipulate their sad sack husbands into making them do all kinds of things that they don’t want to do. So a man may fantasize about a June Cleaver-like wife, because he wants more control in their marriage — or even have the upper hand. Wanting more control occurs when one partner feels insecure and unsure of his, or hers, own worth and power. When both parties feel heard and sure of their own effectiveness, their fantasies of being taken care of diminish.

If you notice that your partner wants more control in your marriage, find out why. If your partner feels insecure, discuss way to make him, or her, feel more comfortable. Discuss what you think your roles are in your marriage. And find out if these roles need to be changed, so both of you are satisfied. Sit down and talk about these issues as members of the same team — not opposing teams. This is the only way to build strength and satisfaction in any relationship.

What Men Want in a Relationship

by Coach Rinatta Paries

I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks
the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex
really does want.

What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.

The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don't have to take my word for this.

I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You'll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.

**A Tip for Women**
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation -- either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spend with a loving partner.

Women think men don't want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want what women want -- a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner's mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don't want or value praise and acknowledgement, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.

**A Tip for Women**
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his timeline. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.

Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a "roaming eye" and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship -- even when the going gets tough.

Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.

**A Tip for Women**
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and "a roaming eye" are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.

Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgement of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.

**A Tip for Women**
Most men want acknowledgement and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.

More on love:
Love is like chocolate
Are you using guilt to gain power?

Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find coaching, quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Finally, real help for attracting and building a healthy relationship!

Talk Radio Links

Do men really want wives like June Cleaver?

In the ‘50s, the ideal wife stayed home, cleaned, cooked, and cared for the kids. Dr. Gail Saltz, a ‘Today’ contributor, says that may be a male fantasy

What Men Want in a Relationship

How To Dress Like a Man

VietnamWebSites

Send mail to webmaster@housewifetimes.com with questions or comments about this web site.
Copyright © 2000 Housewifetimes.com
Last modified: August 22, 2007

Talk Radio Links

Do men really want wives like June Cleaver?

In the ‘50s, the ideal wife stayed home, cleaned, cooked, and cared for the kids. Dr. Gail Saltz, a ‘Today’ contributor, says that may be a male fantasy

What Men Want in a Relationship

How To Dress Like a Man

VietnamWebSites

Send mail to webmaster@housewifetimes.com with questions or comments about this web site. Copyright © 2000 Housewifetimes.com Last modified: August 22, 2007

Send mail to webmaster@housewifetimes.com with questions or comments about this web site.
Copyright © 2000 Housewifetimes.com
Last modified: August 22, 2007